The Mental Load of Being the One Who Plans Everything

Ah, the joys of being the designated planner, the mastermind behind the schedules, the keeper of the color-coded calendar, the one who remembers that your kid’s best friend’s birthday party is next weekend while also making sure everyone has matching socks for family photos. If you’re anything like me, a stereotypical first-born daughter in every sense (Type A, detail-oriented, and unable to function without a plan), then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Planning isn’t just something we do, it’s who we are.

And as much as I love a good itinerary, let’s be honest: the mental load that comes with being “the planner” is real. It’s an invisible weight that we carry, not just in our homes but in our careers and our social circles, too. And while I wouldn’t trade my organized brain for anything, I have to admit, it’s exhausting sometimes.

The Mental Load No One Sees

When people think about planning, they imagine the fun parts, picking out vacation destinations, putting together the perfect party menu, or choosing the ideal wedding playlist. But the real work happens behind the scenes: the constant calculations, the never-ending to-do lists, and the quiet panic when something (inevitably) goes off track.

Being the planner means:

• Remembering that the dog’s vet appointment is next Tuesday while also tracking the last time you changed the air filter.
• Booking the family vacation while factoring in everyone’s preferences, work schedules, and budget (while pretending to be thrilled about everyone’s input).
• Coordinating work deadlines, school drop-offs, grocery shopping, and remembering that your toddler prefers one brand of fruit snacks over the other.
• Anticipating potential problems before they happen, because if you don’t, who will?

Even when I’m not actively planning, my brain never really turns off. It’s constantly running through scenarios, troubleshooting potential disasters, and double-checking that I didn’t forget anything.

The Emotional Toll of Always Being “On”

While planning might seem like a practical skill, there’s an emotional toll that comes with it, too.

For one, there’s the pressure of making sure everything goes smoothly. When you’re the one who plans everything, you also feel responsible for making sure everyone has a good time. Did everyone eat? Is everyone comfortable? Did I remember to pack sunscreen and snacks for the road trip? There’s no relaxing when you’re the one making sure all the gears are turning.

And then there’s the resentment that creeps in when you realize that no one else is carrying this load the way you are. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they don’t even realize all the little details that go into making things run smoothly.

Ever had this conversation?

Me: “Okay, so I booked the Airbnb, made dinner reservations, and planned activities for each day. Do you want to handle anything?”

Other person: “I can pick a movie for one night?”

It’s not malicious, but it does make me wonder—why is it automatically my job to think of everything?

How This Shows Up at Work, Too

Being the planner doesn’t stop at home, it follows us into our careers as well.

As an athletic trainer, a virtual assistant, and someone who has worked in multiple high-pressure environments, I’ve found that my ability to plan ahead and anticipate needs has made me a go-to person in the workplace. That’s a great thing… until it isn’t.

Because guess what happens when people know you’re the one who always has a plan? They expect you to take care of everything. Suddenly, you’re the one organizing meetings, remembering deadlines for projects that aren’t even yours, and following up on tasks that someone else was supposed to handle.

And let’s not even start on the mental energy it takes to balance work life, home life, and personal goals. Sometimes, I feel like I need a planner just to manage my planners!

How to Lighten the Load (Without Losing Your Sanity)

If you’re nodding along and thinking, Yes! This is my life! Welcome to the club. But the good news is, we don’t have to do it all alone. Here are some ways I’ve learned to lighten the mental load (without completely abandoning my need for order and structure):

1. Delegate, Delegate, Delegate!

Easier said than done, I know. But sometimes, we don’t delegate because we assume no one else will do it right (AKA our way). Letting go of perfection and allowing others to take on some of the responsibility can be a game-changer. Will they do it exactly how you would? Probably not. But done is better than perfect.

2. Set Boundaries

Just because you can plan everything doesn’t mean you have to. Whether it’s at home or at work, set some boundaries. Maybe that means telling your partner, “Hey, you’re in charge of planning date nights this month.” Or letting your coworkers know that you’re not the default meeting scheduler.

3. Embrace the Art of Saying No

Not every event, project, or responsibility needs to land on your plate. If taking on one more thing feels like too much, it probably is. Permit yourself to say no without guilt.

4. Schedule Time for Yourself

Sounds ironic, right? But when your brain is constantly running a mental checklist, you need intentional time to not plan. Whether it’s a solo coffee date, a long walk, or a “do nothing” day—block out time for yourself just like you would any other priority.

5. Let Go of the Guilt

This one is tough, but crucial. Just because you can handle everything doesn’t mean you should. You’re not failing anyone by taking a step back and prioritizing your own well-being.

Final Thoughts

Being the one who plans everything is both a blessing and a burden. I love the sense of order and accomplishment that comes with it, but I also know that I can’t and shouldn’t do it all. The mental load is real, and it’s okay to acknowledge it.

So, to my fellow planners, list-makers, and Type A overachievers: let’s give ourselves a little grace. Let’s allow others to step up. And most importantly, let’s remember that our own peace of mind is just as important as making sure everyone else is taken care of.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go update my to-do list. (Because let’s be real, I’m still a planner at heart.)